Cardinal Lane

"One of the two meanest women I've ever known"

2009-12-28T11:46:00.009-05:00

So, this is so bizarre - but so validating - I just have to share it.

I'm taking a class at church. I'm enjoying the class but enjoying getting to know the folks in the class just as much. One member, J, shared that he never gets angry. Never gets mad. He sometimes wishes he COULD get mad, but he just doesn't.

There was a lot of conversation around that and questioning of J and we all found it very curious. In the discussion around anger, I shared the results of my personality analysis before I started therapy and that Anger was almost off the chart for me. I was asked if I knew WHY I used to be so angry, and my answer was "Of course! Grandmother K".

I then shared a couple of GK stories to give an indication of how mean and manipulative this woman was. I know that the Devil exists because I've seen him in her eyes. So, I'm in the middle of this story that took place when I was a little girl, standing in her backyard and a little girl seeing me and being terrified for me. She warned me to get out of there because The Witch lived there. All of a sudden, it made sense. Just like all the witches and old crones in storybooks, I had my own personal Witch in my life. The peace of understanding just washed all over me. For the first time, all the evilness made sense. I was so excited about this revelation that I ran to the carport, up the concrete steps, heard the screen door slam behind me as I ran into the living room to excitedly share my news with my mom - "Momma, Momma, GK is a WITCH!".

Of course, I got a spanking. But, the worst part was the crumbling feeling inside. It made SENSE just a few seconds prior. Now, it's back to the reality that was our lives.

So, back to yesterday in class. I'm sharing this story and the little girl thought GK was a witch, because she kind of LOOKED like one and because she left in the morning for her first job and then came home late at night after her second one - working undercover security at The Downtown Department store.

J was looking at me in astonishment. Then, he said "I KNEW her!"

Actually, he asked me first "What was her name?" and "Was this in the late 60's?" When I answered, he then said "I KNEW her". He knew her because for 10 years he worked at the same Downtown Department store. He didn't know her well, but knew of her because of her meanness. In his words, "She was one of the meanest two women I've ever known".

It was a little miracle for me. What are the odds? That 40 years later, we would be in the same class at church. That (not that I needed it) an "outsider" confirmed her Meanness. She usually charmed the pants off "outsiders". I thought only the family members got to see her at her worst. I didn't need validation. I spent several years in weekly group therapy to exorcise her influence from my life. I learned to set boundaries. I learn to identify what I needed and seek it. I learned to avoid people who are GK-like. I hate the little shreds of (negative) influence she has in my life and I try to not bring that into my current world.

But, "She was one of the two meanest women I've ever known" had as much power as "The Witch lives there".

She was the master of manipulation and hurting another person for personal pleasure. I watch wanna-be's in action and smile inside, thinking "You aren't even CLOSE!" You're a kindergartner and I was trained by the Doctor of Meanness and Cruelty". Again, I try to avoid people that are like her. Sometimes they don't reveal themselves at first...but when the telltale signs are shown, they cease to exist for me in this world. My sister surprised me by voicing what I've always thought - "I could shatter you with my anger. I wouldn't need a weapon or any kind of tool. Just my anger would be powerful to shatter you into a zillion little pieces". Needless to say, I don't like to get angry...and I've spent many years getting to a happier, healthier place.

And, I'm so glad to be here. And, so glad she's not here anymore. Even more glad to say I took her power (to hurt me) away from her before she died.

One of the worst things in my reality is that I look like her. Every time I look in the mirror I see her. One of the greatest gifts ever given to me was a simple sentence spoken by one of my least favorite people in the world (from my group).

"You will NEVER be your GK".

I thank God for that. Seriously. And, I thank God for my group. And, I thank God for my church and my class and my friend who validated that even to an outsider, her truth was recognized by others.

Hit in the head by a rake...and saying too much

2009-12-03T20:48:00.005-05:00

I got hit in the head by a rake.

Well, not literally but figuratively. It's a saying of my friend, Louisa, and it pretty much fits my life this week.

I could NOT catch up on sleep. I slept and slept and slept. Two days ago, my body was aching worse than it had since the fall.

Yet, I planned to barrel on. After a very..."spirited" conversation with My Love we renegotiated the plans for the next evening. I was more emotional than usual...and pretty much couldn't figure out why.

Soooo, the next afternoon I race to the car to race to the city to get there in time for an event that was Really Important to Me. And, the car wouldn't start.

I called the neighbor to see if he could jump me off so I could still get there on time...or somewhere close to "on time". My car was pointed in the wrong direction, after heavy rains the ground was too soft for him to negotiate into position, and so.... I had to give up.

My Love went on to do Plan B. I stayed at home to wait for AAA. An hour later, my car was running again...and sat out running for almost an hour to recharge the battery.

And, before 9pm I fell asleep.

Louisa's theory is that the day she was rushing too fast in the yard, she stepped on a rake on the ground and it came up and whopped her on the head. Her response was "Okay God. I'll slow down".

My friend Sharon shared that when she pushes too hard, she ends up in bed needing shots.

After days of walking like Grandpa Amos of "The Real McCoys" I think my body was screaming at me... "Our muscles are sore!". I kept on. I was planning to drive two hours in pouring rain and in flooding conditions to get to my Really Important to Me event. Ummm....no. Car won't go - you won't go. Okay God. I'll slow down.

In the midst of hurting (mostly aching all over) I was also in the midst of Getting My Feelings Hurt. My Love tried to get me to talk about what was wrong...but I wasn't ready. Finally a call asking what was wrong and I knew I had to say something. I knew it wasn't the right time - but I had to fess up. It did not go well.

In the middle of the night, my sweet pup woke me up to go outside and wide awake, I was able to type some semblance of an explanation of what I was feeling. In the morning, as time allowed, the conversation continued...and it all worked out. I was heard! Amazing! I wasn't rejected! Amazing! My Love was willing to meet me halfway! Amazing! The whole experience was...amazing!

In my hurting, heightened, (hormonal?) state I also said some things to a friend that I probably wouldn't have said under normal circumstances. What I said was My Truth...I just probably wouldn't have said it that way, if ever. I held my breath for a day. Neither of us "backed down" but both of us expressed our points of view. I waited to see if a Fatal Error had been made. The friendship survives. Compromises will be made. My heart is no longer heavy and I am so appreciative of my friend.

I'm appreciative of it all. A foot that isn't broken. A car that wouldn't start. A Love that will hear me out, even when I'm hard to understand. A friend who won't give up on me/us even when she's frustrated with me.

Getting hit in the head by a rake isn't a bad thing, after all.

Static

2009-12-02T08:22:00.003-05:00

So, there's a blip. Some static. Something not going as easily as "usually".

And I'm to blame.

It's my problem. My issue. My feelings. My disappointment.

I hate feeling this way. HATE it! Just hate it.

I've tried to talk myself out of it. Tried to pretend it wasn't there. Tried to let time "just take care of it".

But, I was asked. And so I answered. And, now I'm not really glad I did. Not really glad I was totally honest. I feel a lot of things, but mostly "whiney". And I hate that most of all.

I'm happy that I'm being listened to. I'm trying to trust that sharing feelings really WILL be okay. All of it is so very, very scary. The feelings. The risk. The worry. I'm sick to my stomach.

I was told this was just part of the process of getting to know each other. I am so very, very incredibly lucky.

Static. I hate it. I'm ready for this "stuff" to be over with. My stuff.

You know, this relationship stuff is a whole lot easier when you really don't care. But, really not caring will never be a part of my life anymore.

All I can say is "I'm sorry" and "Thank you". I hope that's enough anyway.

Celebrating six weeks of joy

2009-11-25T13:05:00.003-05:00

6.5 weeks ago a question was asked that changed my life's direction.
5.5 weeks ago a mutual decision was made that set us off in a new direction.

I can't imagine going back to my life before those events.

The start of the journey has been wonderful. My life is so full of joy now. Every day it seems there's a new discovery and blessing. Every day is better than the one before. Dreams coming true and dreams I never dared to dream.

I am so very thankful for it all.

Joy.
Joy is my friend, each and every day.
Thank you, God.

Eleven weeks of Grace

2009-11-25T11:55:00.002-05:00

Eleven weeks ago Frannie Grace came home.

What a wonderful eleven weeks of laughter and joy!

She is so funny. Part goat/ part deer. She leaps and bounds and frolics and races...at full speed and maximum joy.

She's so sweet. She's made some mistakes but listens carefully and HATES to be scolded and pretty much doesn't repeat the mistake. Paul and I had just arrived at the cabin and settled in while the girls investigated smells outside. Frannie Grace was back inside when I noticed a wet spot on the floor. I exclaimed "Surely she didn't pee in the house". Paul said he has seen her squat - so I scolded her with "Bad Girl! Good girls don't pee in the house. BAD girls pee inside". She backed away. Went to the head of the stairs. Glanced over her shoulder (I'll remember that precious face and that look forever) and flew down the stairs. I grabbed a paper towel, dropped it on the floor, stepped on it to soak in the moisture - and saw the color was completely clear. I sniffed it. No smell. Water. Evidently, I sloshed some water as I carried the water bowl.

I called her to come back upstairs. She was having none of that. I sat on the top step and eventually coaxed her up for an apology and a hug. Sweet girl.

But, this morning I found an important piece of paper in her bed - all torn up in pieces. It was a "work" piece of paper and one I wanted to keep. Another scolding. We'll see if it was effective enough to stop the paper tearing.

She had been abused by a man. There is no doubt. There have been enough signs. She's terrified of men. She had a love/hate relationship with Paul's petting of her on his first night. She relaxed enough to lick his hand that patiently petted and loved her. By the second morning, she hopped up on his bed to get some loving - completely unsolicited. She was skittish of me too during her first weeks. Everytime I would stand up to move somewhere, she would too. Move AWAY from me. Time has healed that wound. She no longer expects the worst when I change positions.

She still gets a little bit car sick. It's a lot better. Most of the time she makes it ALMOST to Princess Randy's before the sickness hits. She made it almost 4 hours the other day in the car. It's getting better. I'm thinking she's relaxing a bit and time will help a lot.

She puts up with her "condo". Max, her cousin, loves her condo and will get in there any chance he gets. She doesn't like being closed up in her condo, but I can't trust her enough NOT to do something wrong. I left her out for a while at Princess Randy's while I was gone...and she chewed up a little shoe from a toy doll. I have no idea if it had already fallen off - or if she delicately pulled a shoe off a doll. I can imagine her doing that! In any case, I'm on the search for replacement shoes.

She just returned from some time outside. She knows she's supposed to go in her condo to get her treat...but she bounded over every piece of furniture on the way in...and then again on the way out with her treat in her mouth.

She is a delightful, funny, joy filled package of love. I am so thankful for my gift of Frannie Grace.

Ru is still hanging in here. I'm surprised she made it to Thanksgiving, but so thankful for it. Momma and her girls are going to be busy on the road this holiday weekend - and couldn't be happier.

Two months of messiness

2009-11-25T11:27:00.003-05:00

So, two months ago something happened that upset me. The anger came next and then the rebellion set in. The only person affected was me, and to be honest, I kind of enjoyed it.

For two months the clutter just piled up. The house was clean...just very very messy. There was NO way anyone would be allowed in to see it.

And, then. Paul was here and we were too beat to drive to the mountains ... so I let him in to see the mess in all of its glory. And, it was okay.

After he fell asleep, I got busy and did more cleaning in an hour or so than I had in a long, long time. Today, after a 1/2 day "work day" I'm going to do a little more.

Seeing my sweet house looking "sweet" again is making me smile. I like knowing that people who know and love me would have been "okay" with it if they had seen it. But, I'm pretty happy about ending the rebellion and reclaiming my home.

The pups didn't care. Actually, Frannie Grace was a BIG contributor :-)

My treasures

2009-11-10T08:32:00.001-05:00

Matthew 6:21 - For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

I was just scanning the pictures at the side of this blog.

Here are my treasures.
Here are my loves.
Here are the "things" that make me happy.
Here is my heart.

I'm "richer" than I ever imagined being.
My treasures (including the pink eyed beans in the crockpot).
:-)

What a farm morning looks like

2009-11-10T08:19:00.003-05:00

The addition of Frannie Grace has changed the routine.
The addition of Frannie Grace has enhanced the routine.
The Little Girls have become a unit of two. A bit more interaction. A lot of comfort for both to have the other nearby.

I still don't trust the Mad Dog. She's so jealous by nature. No signs of any aggression, but I'm still being very careful.

So, here's our routine.
Time for the Little Girls to go out. I walk to the back of the house to close the Big Girls' dog gate.
They are settled on their pillows and look up for their dog treat.
I close the pet gate. The kitchen door is open and Frannie Grace is in full view. Maddie seems to ignore her. Frannie waits in excited anticipation.
Doors closed behind me and the dancing begins. She frolics as she follows me to the front of the house, and waits by the door with Ru.
She'll push by Ru to get out the door first, but then will wait on the porch to let Ru out to the yard first.
Sometimes they move in the same direction. Sometimes Frannie will rocket after the squirrel or bird she's seen earlier from the window.
Frannie escorts me out to the shed to feed the horse. That's usually Ellie's job, but she's resting inside right now.
Some frolicking. Some sniffing. Some running. Some chasing. A lot of happy.
Back again to come in the door.
Frannie Grace rushes to her condo to await her treat.
Ru is settled in her chair or wherever she wants to go.
Back to the back of the house to open the pet gate again - and wags of otter tails from the sweet, happy labs.
All is well...until Frannie Grace jumps down from wherever she had settled to come stare at me to let me know it's time for the routine to begin again.
By then, it's usually a farm afternoon.

Four days of "easy"

2009-11-10T08:12:00.002-05:00

We went to the mountains again. A bit sick and sniffly. With a pup that may not survive the trip. A few days past "peak", but the leaves were still glorious in their reds. Every time before as friends. How different would this trip be?

It was the same, but completely different. Just as easy. Just as much laughing. Just as much flexibility. But, so very different - and wonderful.

Four days of "easy" and wonderful. It was hard to leave.
I would say "hard to come home", but it felt like leaving "home" to go elsewhere.

Sweet Surrender.
Our sweet surrender.

Rimadyl, the miracle drug

2009-11-10T08:02:00.003-05:00

Ru is back! Yay! My sweet happy dog is back!
Rimadyl is a miracle drug.

I can't believe how long she hid her pain. I had no idea. I feel so bad, but she absolutely hid it from me. I had no clue until I picked her up from Granny and Grandpa's. They said she slept most of the time, but that's her "normal". But, when she came to me on the sofa, she groaned. For the first time.

I called ahead before I picked up Frannie (from boarding) and asked for something for pain. That night, Ru's legs collapsed when she tried to do her business.
By the next day, a bit of a tail wag.
By the next day, a big tail wag to taunt Frannie who was still in her condo.
By the next day, a bit of a spark in her step.
By the next day, attacking her pillow again. :-)

By this time, we were in the mountains again. I prayed that she would last long enough to get back to her mountains, even if we had to visit Dr. Brad while we were there.

By then, my Ru was completely back.

I asked for a few more days with her. It's been a week. She is enjoying life again - and I'm so happy!

We give her the option to take stairs or be helped. She managed Princess Randy's steep steps every time. She does wait (as instructed) before she jumps off chairs or beds. But other than that, she's living her regular life.

Rimadyl, the miracle drug. Hooray!

What I know I do well...

2009-11-02T23:08:00.005-05:00

1) I know I am a good friend. I am loyal and considerate. I make mistakes but I'll stick with you - until I'm given a reason not to.

2) I know that I'm a good nester. I can create a home that is comfortable and loving and nurturing. It's caused some problems when an ex doesn't really want to move on but wants to keep "our home" intact, but I suppose that's a backhanded compliment. :-)

3) I know I'm a good daughter. I may not be the daughter that my parents want me to be, but I do know that I'm the one they will call on when there's a crisis or something needs to be done. It's always been that way and I imagine it will always be that way.

4) I know I'm a good mama. It's still surprising to me that I never had a child of my own, but I'm a great mama to my pups. My ex was a trainer and I know HOW to train dogs that are intended to be working dogs. But, I opt out of the strict obedience that "well trained" dogs are known for and instead opt for "well loved" dogs. They aren't perfect, but they love me and, more importantly, trust me. Maddie is a bit crazed because of what happened when we were separated, but all of the other dogs have been secure, well behaved and a pleasure to be around.

I'm giving myself this self-talk because I'm in the process of deciding what's best for my dear Ru. I thought the end was here tonight. She seems better now that the pain killer is working, but I think the end is near. I'd love to be able to take her to the mountains for one last visit.

I love you Ru. Thanks for 13 years of your special love and your uniqueness.
signed,
Mama

Ru and the slightly strange affirmation post

2009-11-03T07:01:00.004-05:00

First of all, Ru is okay! Yay and Praise the Lord!

A few hours ago, I thought the story was going to be very very different.

When I urged Ru to get up and go outside at dusk yesterday, I saw that she had soiled her bed. I carried her outside and her back legs collapsed underneath her. The tears started flowing and I wondered if I was going to have to call Dr. Michael to come to the house immediately.

I propped her up and tried to support her as best I could...and she started walking. Once she started, she kept going and did a BIG circle of the yard. She hugged the edges so I kept an eye on her in case she decided to wander off into the woods.

Sunday night I heard the first moan from her when I picked her up from Granny and Grandpa's. Monday afternoon I picked up something for the pain. I prayed for just a little more time to give the medicine some time to work.

I spent last night crying. Crying and praying and hoping for just two more days with her. The guilt was kicking in - I'd spent two days away from her, PLEASE let me make that up with two days of spoiling her. Two more days with mama before you go, sweet Ru.

The affirmations?
People say, "You will KNOW when it's time".
People say, "You'll not let her be in pain".
People say, "You'll do the right thing".

And, I thought all of those things were true too.

But, yesterday/ last night I didn't "know" any of those things. To try to clear my head, I felt the need to affirm the things I DID know.

The Rimadyl is working - It was obvious that she felt much better in just a few short hours. This morning, she maneuvered the yard just fine, enjoyed her breakfast, and even came into my room to play with her pillow just a little bit. What a difference a couple of doses of Rimadyl will make.

Last night I was hoping for just a bit more time. Maybe a couple of more days. One last trip to the mountains, even if we need to go see Dr. Brad when we are up there. Gracie made her transition in the mountains with Dr. Brad.

I know I'll do the right thing for Ru. I know it now. And, I also know - for sure - that yesterday afternoon was just a little bit too soon.

I couldn't wish this big

2009-10-28T13:52:00.003-04:00

A few years back I decided to stop praying for specific things, and just pray "Thy will be done".

I made that decision when I realized the really big and wonderful things that had happened in my life were so big and wonderful I really wouldn't have dared to imagine them. Much better was to let God bring into my life the surprises.

So, several years of only praying "Thy will be done, Thy will be done, thywillbedone..."

Now, a really wonderful dream is coming true. But, it's turning out to be so much better than I had ever imagined.

Last night I realized, there is no way I would have wished this big.

But, I'm REALLY enjoying the unfolding...

What happy feels like

2009-10-21T23:45:00.003-04:00

I've been sick for three days and have felt absolutely awful - but I am over-the-moon happy. I wish I could bottle this feeling! I feel like I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

Thank you God for everything.

Frannie Grace settles in

2009-10-21T01:33:00.003-04:00

Life is good out in the country and we are settling into our routine.

Frannie Grace is a cross between a goat and a deer. She hops and scampers and rushes around like a flash of white light. She can be almost out of sight and then right next to you in a split second. Watching her is so much fun.

She's a rabbit dog and can spend hours running around the same two spots, checking out smells and collecting stickers. After her one and only spanking, she understands the "come to mama" concept - and usually implements it.

Ru is not too impressed but seems to be comforted by her prescence. Frannie doesn't like to go outside without Ru - unless there's a rabbit or a squirrel to chase, of course. Tonight for the first time, it seemed as if Ru was waiting for Frannie before moving out into the yard.

Mad Dog hasn't killed her or caused bodily harm yet. Maddie is one of the sweetest dogs in the world, but loves her mama so intensely it can be scary. Losing me for two years - and being pretty much abandoned during that time - was almost too much for her. Get too close to her mama and "watch out!". So, we've danced the necessary dance for a month and it was worked out well. Frannie knows the routine...go to the front door to let me know she wants to go out, follow me back to the back door so I can close the pet gate so Mad can't get out into the yard...the minute the back door latches again, the dancing begins...dancing with glee all the way back through the house to the front door again. It's amazing how well she seems to understand the process, even if she doesn't understand the reason. After a month of sniffing the evidence of the other in the yard, it seems all is well. She seems to understand that she can't go through the door until we do our little routine. It's amazing how smart she is.

As soon as we come back in, she jumps into her "condo" for her treat. She usually takes it right back out to eat it elsewhere, but she knows where "her" spot is. Ru goes to her adjacent bed and stands there looking down, waiting for her treat to drop from the sky. Ru still has me extremely well trained. I can hear/feel the silence and know she is waiting for me in the other room to do something. Put her in her chair, let her outside, etc. She has me well-trained and she's training Frannie while she's at it.

On good nights, they sleep on the corner of the bed, butts touching. Most nights, Ru is at her corner and Frannie is tucked on the opposite side of me cuddled up to my back. If she's restless, it's off to the condo for the night. Tonight was interesting. Frannie was moving and I didn't want her to. As she passed behind me I gave her the options - 1) lay down or 2) go to her condo. She listened. Made a decision. Jumped down and slept in her bed on the floor. Now, a couple of hours later she's settled back in the bed, nestled up to my back. Happy girls :-)

Ru seems especially stiff today. She walks like a beer keg on legs. I don't know how much time she has left, but she's happy, eating well and is loving her life. She'll come up for cuddling when she wants/needs it but otherwise is doing the usual Aloof Ru act. She's not fooling anyone. :-)

The only drawback so far is motion sickness. Frannie made it ALMOST all the way to Princess Randy's before getting sick. I just stop, swap out the towel and continue on our merry way. She loves being in a pack of four at Randy's and loves all the loving. She was afraid of Randy at first and we are pretty sure a man was mean to her at one time. But, he's winning her over and she sleeps with him (and Max and Missy) when she spends the night with our Princess. Ru stays low on the ground in her bed, but she too likes investigating the yard with her two cousins and sister.

Sometimes I shake my head at my good fortune. Life is good for pups out in the country - and their mama.

October 18, 2009

2009-10-19T01:57:00.003-04:00

Today, October 18, 2009...
...this is happy feels like.
...this is what blessed feels like.
...this is what thankful feels like.
...this is what laughter sounds like.
...this is what loved feels like.
...this is the stuff that dreams are made of.

The prayer - The light of God surrounds me; The love of God enfolds me; The power of God protects me; The presence of God watches over me. Wherever I am, God is. And all is well.

The hymn - 'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right, 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

Laughter and cameras

2009-10-14T17:40:00.003-04:00

I've been in conversation with friends recently.

Looking back and pondering.

Looking forward and wondering.

And, throughout it all has been laughter.

Full, unedited, laugh-out-loud laughter.

This blog has reflected a lot of "down times" and sadness without being sad (I hope).

But, it's time to celebrate the good times...and time for real, free laughter.

Pictures courtesy of Labor Day weekend - a weekend full of laughter.

"Cameras"? That's an inside secret.

Looking back some more

2009-10-14T10:47:00.005-04:00

I suppose there's a lot of reflection going on right now...

I traveled back in time via old emails. It is interesting reading - a sort of time capsule of what was happening and how I was feeling at the time.

A friend wrote a Lenten devotional and I responded to the thoughts via email. Here is what I wrote last March -

Wishing you peace too.
I'll pray for peace for you as well.
I have no answers. The "lesson" that I think I was supposed to learn was that it just takes time.
I tell myself, it takes time because...
you need time to heal
you need time to become more centered, more quiet, more aware of something you would have otherwise missed
God takes time because he wants that healing for you
God takes time because he wants you to lean on him rather than yourself
God takes time because it takes time for His Plan to unfold.

Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself. :-)

Very interesting to read seven months later...

Looking back

2009-10-13T09:50:00.004-04:00

This blog started as a pretty private thing - a place to record my thoughts after a major change in my life. Only a few people knew about it, and I really didn't expect many to discover it. But, even so I was careful not to say anything that would be detrimental to myself or anyone mentioned here. (If you ever read anything, let me know and I'll pull it immediately!)

This week I learned that a friend was recognized by a colleague who stumbled upon the blog due to my labeling. The label has been "corrected" and although anyone is welcome to read this, my guess is that you will be quickly bored. :-)

I took some time to go back and read some earlier entries last night. And I am VERY glad I recorded my thoughts at the time. I have forgotten events and definitely the details of other events. I found myself smiling at some of the things I had written and a lot of the comments from my Blog Family friends.

If anyone has just discovered this blog and wants to read about who I was as it started, I think October 2007 is a good place to go. There were some nice, quiet adventures that month. A very frustrating water problem solved, cows providing excitment on a weekend night, and a trek to a fair with my new friends who were to become my Blog Family. We don't blog so regularly anymore, but maybe that will shift soon. There's a lot of things going on with that special group of people and Life sometimes gets in the way.

And, please. If you read, feel free to comment. I like reading what you have to say - even the anonymous comments.

The most perfect wedding

2009-10-12T17:19:00.002-04:00

On July 29th I read a wedding website and cried when I realized that I was so far away from what those lucky two felt and experienced and shared with one another. At that moment I knew in my heart what I needed to do. I remember wishing for and wondering if something like that would happen in my life and heart. I would love to link the page here, but don't want to violate their privacy.

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to attend their beautiful, peaceful, calm, reverent and holy wedding and celebrate with mutual friends at their absolutely perfect reception. It was perhaps the loveliest and most perfect wedding I've ever attended. No surprises there - this excerpt from their website gave a peek into what was to come -

"Our spiritual rite of passage will be a pact, a "heart pact”, which to us is a life long commitment. In the time we’ve spent together already, through our own shared heart joys and sorrows, which are those things we call the human experiences of life, we have already experienced that through this dynamic of commitment, we have complimented each other in the growth of the soul. Marriage to us will be a conscious journey into one's own spirit, full of ups and downs and everything in between in which we will learn together how to embrace with love, laughter, and patience."

What a wonderful beginning...

What if?

2009-10-12T17:03:00.003-04:00

What if dreams really do come true?
What if wishing on stars really works?
What if prayers really are answered?
What if I really have met my match?

Three days ago I received a message has the potential of completely changing things.
1:33 pm on Friday, an option offered.
Two short days later, an amazing offer from Rev. Mandy that has me still in awe and amazement.
Changes all of a sudden - out of the blue. Completely unexpected.

What if?

A wedding, a blessing and a benediction

2009-10-12T00:49:00.002-04:00

So much has happened recently. This is just a cryptic journaling and I'll write more about the gorgeous wedding, the offer of a blessing and a peaceful benediction.

But, I really wanted to say "Thank you, Mandy".

I am amazed, in awe and very much honored.

The Fog has lifted....thank God!

2009-10-08T15:43:00.001-04:00

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmCpOKtN8ME

An emotional day, a soft place to land and the good outweighs the bad

2009-09-26T08:19:00.002-04:00

So, yesterday was a very emotional day.

In the morning, Ru had a grooming appointment. I thought that was going to be the "emotional" part of the day. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do the third surgery and asked the groomer to give her opinion of the "place". During the conversation the groomer shared HER year of hell where so much went wrong so closely together. A divorce and those changes, falling off a ladder a week before her health insurance went into effect and the resulting medical bills, being over her head in a huge historic house, an electrical fire in that old house and spending her one day off each week with her elderly parents in a nearby town. Whew! I walked out pretty grateful that my experience with everything happening at once was years ago.

Midday my father came by and THAT experience started a flood of tears for myself in a brand new Pity Party.

While I was in the tub (early afternoon, yes) I heard someone come by and then a small engine motor leaving. As I left, my neighbor flagged me down. She turned off the super duper lawn mower and headed my way. Uh-oh. What now?

I am so lucky to have these neighbors in this little corner of country. Overnight she had decided to stop dropping hints and have "the" conversation with me. After 40 years in the geriatric care field, she wanted to be clear with me that my aunt DOES have dementia of one sort of another. She offered her help as a resource. She offered her help to my uncle to just sit with my aunt when/if he needed to get out to run errands. I sat there in my car, fighting back the tears and unable to answer the questions she asked me. I didn't know the answers. My aunt and uncle have been on the periphery of my life - but have been "here" totally and completely supporting me for the last few years. I found myself very appreciative and very sad at the same time. I've heard the "hints" of what was happening but haven't taken the time to process them. I was a bit apologetic and my neighbor touched my arm and said it was okay. "Life happens" - and pointed out that I had been busy living my life.

It's time to step up to the plate. It's time to spend regular time with them at their place. It's time to establish myself as a touchstone for them. It's time for me to call the younger brother and tell him what's going on. He wants to be there for them. Well, now's the time it seems.

Off to the "beauty parlor", bawling all the way. So much stuff going on and so much to deal with. Now I'm seriously late and call to alert G - but that's not a conversation I could defer. IMO anyway.

G was so supportive and so loving. At first we chat about general difficulties for so many people and I barely refer to my life. She points out that we've known each other for 30 years now and I find comfort in this little beauty parlor out in the country and this very eccentric person who has known me and my family for over 30 years. She shares the story (again) about my brother giving her dating advice decades ago - and determines he was right then (even though she didn't listen). She extends an invitation to go down to the Mart and we chat and I relax and it feels like I've stumbled into Truvy's place and Ouiser, Annelle and Clairee are going to wander in at any moment and that if I listen close enough I can hear Drum scaring birds out of a tree. As strange as my little world is, I'm "home".

The day ends with dinner with Dan and he shares how he has described his 8 Best Friends to his Army buddy during his visit with his 82 year old sister for this year's visit. He listens to my story and tells me what I already know - that HE is here for me. My Princess Randy emails me and shares his love. Out of the blue, I get the typical delightful wonderland email from my Fabulous Fernando as he forwards a menu for a 5 course dinner offered under the stars and asks when we (the Laurents) will be sharing a Viogneir again together. I let my two best Boy friends know how wonderful they are as people and as daddies. I let three of my best Girl friends know how lucky they are to have daddies that give them a soft place to land. As I grieve once again what I don't have and have never had, I realize that I DO have a soft place to land. It's not in the form that I expected. But, I do have it and was enveloped in it yesterday when I needed it. And "it" is there whenever I need it in the future.

As I drove back from "Truvy's" yesterday, I thought was an absolutely sucky day it had been. Now I am clear that only a very few minutes were "sucky" (I hate that word but it so fits!). The rest of the day was a series of affirmations of all that I have (none of it lost in flooding), the soft place I DO have to land, and that the good greatly outweighs the bad.

Pity Party over. This one at least. Now, off to help dig out flooded basements and then get inspired by gardens open for touring. All is well with this soul. Hugs to my friends - those who are really good daddies, those with really good daddies, and those without. Peace.

Why does it even surprise me?

2009-09-25T13:20:00.003-04:00

Well, it doesn't much anymore.
But, the sadness is just so... I don't know how to finish that sentence.
My mom said my dad felt bad that he wasn't able to help me with house projects.
When I came back from NYC, I had an idea for a simple project - shelves for a closet.
There has been stress finding time for him to come down and look at the closet.
There is always stress.
Today was the day.
He came - notepaper and pencil in hand.
Less than 2 minutes later he was gone.
Rather than help me, he chose to criticize.
At this age, I'm not going that route anymore.
He left - and I'm not sure I want him back in the house again.
This isn't a "me" issue. Siblings have experienced similar things.
Today was the very last time a need (or want) will ever be discussed.

Those of you who have daddies who will do things for you and support you and you "know" they will be there when/if you need them - go hug them if you can or call/write to tell them "thank you".

I've always known I would have to find someone else to turn to. Today confirmed it.
I don't "need" the shelves. I've already found a different solution.
But today I've lost all hope that things will ever be different.
When I was in college, I left this house with no money in my pocket and the gas tank almost empty and risked being stranded on the side of the road - but closer to school - rather than ask for gas money. He was furious when he came out to the car and noticed the needle indicating how low the gas tank. But, the "price" of asking for 5 or 10 dollars was bigger than the risk of being stranded and asking my boyfriend for money when I got back to school.
When I thought I was stranded in the Grand Tetons National Park, I wracked my brain trying to figure out who I knew out west who could help me - rather than calling "home" to ask for help.
When I bought the cabin, he asked what he could do to help. We measured for a bookshelf and he built one for me. Then, he presented me with the recipt for the lumber and expected immediate payment of the 40 dollars he had spent on the materials.
The first attempts to renovate this house almost drove me to the nut house. The yelling. The lectures. The lack of respect or decency. The criticism.
It is what it is. And, I'll never set myself up to expect anything different going forward.
But, it is oh so sad.