Ru and the slightly strange affirmation post

First of all, Ru is okay! Yay and Praise the Lord!

A few hours ago, I thought the story was going to be very very different.

When I urged Ru to get up and go outside at dusk yesterday, I saw that she had soiled her bed. I carried her outside and her back legs collapsed underneath her. The tears started flowing and I wondered if I was going to have to call Dr. Michael to come to the house immediately.

I propped her up and tried to support her as best I could...and she started walking. Once she started, she kept going and did a BIG circle of the yard. She hugged the edges so I kept an eye on her in case she decided to wander off into the woods.

Sunday night I heard the first moan from her when I picked her up from Granny and Grandpa's. Monday afternoon I picked up something for the pain. I prayed for just a little more time to give the medicine some time to work.

I spent last night crying. Crying and praying and hoping for just two more days with her. The guilt was kicking in - I'd spent two days away from her, PLEASE let me make that up with two days of spoiling her. Two more days with mama before you go, sweet Ru.

The affirmations?
People say, "You will KNOW when it's time".
People say, "You'll not let her be in pain".
People say, "You'll do the right thing".

And, I thought all of those things were true too.

But, yesterday/ last night I didn't "know" any of those things. To try to clear my head, I felt the need to affirm the things I DID know.

The Rimadyl is working - It was obvious that she felt much better in just a few short hours. This morning, she maneuvered the yard just fine, enjoyed her breakfast, and even came into my room to play with her pillow just a little bit. What a difference a couple of doses of Rimadyl will make.

Last night I was hoping for just a bit more time. Maybe a couple of more days. One last trip to the mountains, even if we need to go see Dr. Brad when we are up there. Gracie made her transition in the mountains with Dr. Brad.

I know I'll do the right thing for Ru. I know it now. And, I also know - for sure - that yesterday afternoon was just a little bit too soon.

What I know I do well...

1) I know I am a good friend. I am loyal and considerate. I make mistakes but I'll stick with you - until I'm given a reason not to.

2) I know that I'm a good nester. I can create a home that is comfortable and loving and nurturing. It's caused some problems when an ex doesn't really want to move on but wants to keep "our home" intact, but I suppose that's a backhanded compliment. :-)

3) I know I'm a good daughter. I may not be the daughter that my parents want me to be, but I do know that I'm the one they will call on when there's a crisis or something needs to be done. It's always been that way and I imagine it will always be that way.

4) I know I'm a good mama. It's still surprising to me that I never had a child of my own, but I'm a great mama to my pups. My ex was a trainer and I know HOW to train dogs that are intended to be working dogs. But, I opt out of the strict obedience that "well trained" dogs are known for and instead opt for "well loved" dogs. They aren't perfect, but they love me and, more importantly, trust me. Maddie is a bit crazed because of what happened when we were separated, but all of the other dogs have been secure, well behaved and a pleasure to be around.

I'm giving myself this self-talk because I'm in the process of deciding what's best for my dear Ru. I thought the end was here tonight. She seems better now that the pain killer is working, but I think the end is near. I'd love to be able to take her to the mountains for one last visit.

I love you Ru. Thanks for 13 years of your special love and your uniqueness.
signed,
Mama

I couldn't wish this big

A few years back I decided to stop praying for specific things, and just pray "Thy will be done".

I made that decision when I realized the really big and wonderful things that had happened in my life were so big and wonderful I really wouldn't have dared to imagine them. Much better was to let God bring into my life the surprises.

So, several years of only praying "Thy will be done, Thy will be done, thywillbedone..."

Now, a really wonderful dream is coming true. But, it's turning out to be so much better than I had ever imagined.

Last night I realized, there is no way I would have wished this big.

But, I'm REALLY enjoying the unfolding...

What happy feels like

I've been sick for three days and have felt absolutely awful - but I am over-the-moon happy. I wish I could bottle this feeling! I feel like I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

Thank you God for everything.

Frannie Grace settles in

Life is good out in the country and we are settling into our routine.

Frannie Grace is a cross between a goat and a deer. She hops and scampers and rushes around like a flash of white light. She can be almost out of sight and then right next to you in a split second. Watching her is so much fun.

She's a rabbit dog and can spend hours running around the same two spots, checking out smells and collecting stickers. After her one and only spanking, she understands the "come to mama" concept - and usually implements it.

Ru is not too impressed but seems to be comforted by her prescence. Frannie doesn't like to go outside without Ru - unless there's a rabbit or a squirrel to chase, of course. Tonight for the first time, it seemed as if Ru was waiting for Frannie before moving out into the yard.

Mad Dog hasn't killed her or caused bodily harm yet. Maddie is one of the sweetest dogs in the world, but loves her mama so intensely it can be scary. Losing me for two years - and being pretty much abandoned during that time - was almost too much for her. Get too close to her mama and "watch out!". So, we've danced the necessary dance for a month and it was worked out well. Frannie knows the routine...go to the front door to let me know she wants to go out, follow me back to the back door so I can close the pet gate so Mad can't get out into the yard...the minute the back door latches again, the dancing begins...dancing with glee all the way back through the house to the front door again. It's amazing how well she seems to understand the process, even if she doesn't understand the reason. After a month of sniffing the evidence of the other in the yard, it seems all is well. She seems to understand that she can't go through the door until we do our little routine. It's amazing how smart she is.

As soon as we come back in, she jumps into her "condo" for her treat. She usually takes it right back out to eat it elsewhere, but she knows where "her" spot is. Ru goes to her adjacent bed and stands there looking down, waiting for her treat to drop from the sky. Ru still has me extremely well trained. I can hear/feel the silence and know she is waiting for me in the other room to do something. Put her in her chair, let her outside, etc. She has me well-trained and she's training Frannie while she's at it.

On good nights, they sleep on the corner of the bed, butts touching. Most nights, Ru is at her corner and Frannie is tucked on the opposite side of me cuddled up to my back. If she's restless, it's off to the condo for the night. Tonight was interesting. Frannie was moving and I didn't want her to. As she passed behind me I gave her the options - 1) lay down or 2) go to her condo. She listened. Made a decision. Jumped down and slept in her bed on the floor. Now, a couple of hours later she's settled back in the bed, nestled up to my back. Happy girls :-)

Ru seems especially stiff today. She walks like a beer keg on legs. I don't know how much time she has left, but she's happy, eating well and is loving her life. She'll come up for cuddling when she wants/needs it but otherwise is doing the usual Aloof Ru act. She's not fooling anyone. :-)

The only drawback so far is motion sickness. Frannie made it ALMOST all the way to Princess Randy's before getting sick. I just stop, swap out the towel and continue on our merry way. She loves being in a pack of four at Randy's and loves all the loving. She was afraid of Randy at first and we are pretty sure a man was mean to her at one time. But, he's winning her over and she sleeps with him (and Max and Missy) when she spends the night with our Princess. Ru stays low on the ground in her bed, but she too likes investigating the yard with her two cousins and sister.

Sometimes I shake my head at my good fortune. Life is good for pups out in the country - and their mama.

October 18, 2009

Today, October 18, 2009...
...this is happy feels like.
...this is what blessed feels like.
...this is what thankful feels like.
...this is what laughter sounds like.
...this is what loved feels like.
...this is the stuff that dreams are made of.

The prayer - The light of God surrounds me; The love of God enfolds me; The power of God protects me; The presence of God watches over me. Wherever I am, God is. And all is well.

The hymn - 'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right, 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

Laughter and cameras

I've been in conversation with friends recently.

Looking back and pondering.

Looking forward and wondering.

And, throughout it all has been laughter.

Full, unedited, laugh-out-loud laughter.

This blog has reflected a lot of "down times" and sadness without being sad (I hope).

But, it's time to celebrate the good times...and time for real, free laughter.

Pictures courtesy of Labor Day weekend - a weekend full of laughter.

"Cameras"? That's an inside secret.